Fifty Shades?

Editor’s note: This column may contain content that is offensive to some people.

With the Fifty Shades series, there has been a huge influx of people coming into the leather and BDSM communities. While this is good that people are embracing their kinkiness, however, it has also presented its challenges. One of them is the fact that many of these people are wholly uneducated in the kink lifestyle. They think that what they read in the books and what they see on the internet, they can just go play out their fantasies.
    Herein lies the problem. If you have not educated yourself, someone is going to get hurt. Let me give you some examples (these are true examples that have happened here in the local community in the past year).

Wax play.
Yes consent was acquired, but because the person controlling the wax was unaware that colored or scented wax will burn hotter that just plain wax, the receiving person ended up with blisters on their skin. Yes consent was there, but when you damage someone with blisters (which should never be part of the negotiations or scene), then you have crossed into the abuse area. Accidental as it may be, it still can be considered abuse because the person was not properly educated, therefore they are just plain abusing another person.

Impact play.
Yes consent was acquired for initial play. Because of this type of play there will be bruises. You should not play again until the bruises have healed. The problem that occurred was the person doing the impact play again played with the partner before the bruises were healed. This can cause permanent damage to the person. Now in this case I will fault both individuals, the person doing the impact because they SHOULD have known better (hello, common sense?!) and the receiver for allowing themselves to be played with again before fulling healing. Yes consent was acquired both times, but idiocy was at play the second time.

Single Tail Whip.
Yes consent was acquired for initial play, but when the handler played a second time and it was on purpose to try and strike the exact same cut/bruise/swelling, then there is a problem. That is someone who just doesn’t give a rat’s ass and is someone that everyone should avoid (regardless of the type of play). That second play session was just plain abuse all the way around.


    What happens here is that common sense goes out the window when people let their fantasy get the best of them. Just like a teenager when their hormones go nuts, the common sense goes too. When the hormones take over, the brain just seems to go bye-bye. Stop and think, people. Use just plain old common sense when playing. Think!! You’re educated (at least I hope so), think about what you learned over the years. Think what will happen if you do this or you do that.

    Another problem we have is that the law hasn’t caught up with the lifestyle of consensual play. The police might look at the consent, but more than likely they are going to look at it as abuse. The law is that when you hit someone, it’s battery and that is something that can get someone arrested. I’ve been working with the local police trying to educate them on consent, but as of now, it’s up to the officer who comes out whether or not they will arrest someone or not.

    So if something happens and the police are sent, you could and might have a problem. What can you do? Well, first of all, educate, educate, educate!! Reading in a book or reading about it on the internet is just not enough. You need to attend workshops and classes on the type of play you want to do so that you can learn the ins and outs. If you can attend a hands-on learning event, that is even better. Or seek out someone who can teach you one-on-one (this is the way I learned).

    Ask questions; learn all you can BEFORE you play. And the reason I say this is because you don’t want to break or damage your toy (i.e. play partner). If you would like to learn about any type of play that you might be interested in, please contact someone in the WOOLF group. We will be more than willing to help you learn or find someone who can teach you. WOOLF meets every fourth Saturday. Come learn with us and come enjoy the fun side of kink play. l


28-Feb-18 14

Marcia McCoy, Ph.D.

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