Rules for Dominants

Editor’s note: This column may contain content that is offensive to some people.

The last couple of months I’ve been talking about various rules that are found within the leather community. This month it’s general rules for the Dominants.

    As I have stated there are lots of other rules/protocols that we use in the community, but what I’m listing here are just some general ones that are of higher importance.

    For Doms the primary unspoken rule is “don’t break your toys.” What we mean by this is don’t damage or hurt your submissive or the person you are playing with. When you break your toy (hurt them or worse) they will not want to play with you again and worse yet, they will tell others. Nothing is worse for a Dom than to get a reputation of someone that others don’t want to play with because you don’t follow the rules or you don’t obey the negotiation or worse, you ignore the safe word. So when you play, make sure you protect your toys. Because if you break it, you won’t have a toy to play with anymore.

    The second one is along the same line. Protecting the sub. The Dom is responsible for protecting the submissive, regardless. This is in both play and sometimes in the relationship (if negotiated). When you are doing a scene, you are responsible for making sure the person you are playing with is safe; that they are enjoying it and that nothing happens to them outside the scope of the play. If a scene goes bad, own up to it because YOU are responsible. That’s why you need to communicate with the submissive about their health, about their mental state and anything else.

    If they don’t tell you something unfortunately you are still the responsible person because if something goes wrong and rescue or police are called, YOU are the one that is going to be hauled off. Even though the police are getting better about consent, if you failed to find out something about your toy, you are the one at fault.

    Stay within the parameters of what was negotiated. I can’t stress this enough. I’ve seen more and more Doms who are stepping outside the bounds of what was talked about and negotiated between the submissive and the Dom. This is a very bad habit to get into. One, it ruins your reputation in the community and two, it is a cause for legal action against you. (There is currently one legal action occurring in the community and several more being investigated).

    In our type of play, it is very important to make sure that everyone is on the same page, you don’t go outside what was discussed and it is highly recommended that you get everything in writing and that all parties sign the document. No, it probably won’t hold up in court, but it sure will help.

    Conduct yourself with the utmost honor and integrity. This is a very important aspect of being a Dom in the leather community. As a Dom you are a leader and people will ask questions about the lifestyle. If you always act with honor and the utmost integrity, then you will always be someone that people can respect. Lose respect in this community and you are done. One screw-up and you’re finished. We are not a forgiving community and just one f**k up and you’re out.     Once you lose respect here, you won’t get it back. This may seem harsh, but it’s a reality. We have this hard and fast rule because of the type of play we do, we can’t afford to have someone who doesn’t follow the rules.

    Let me expound on this a bit. Years ago there was someone in the community who sexually abused their stepchild. I went to the DA’s office and explained to them who we are and that NO we do not condone this type of behavior and told them to throw the book at him. Actually I asked that we get him for one day after the trial and we would give back to the DA whatever was left. So if he ever gets out of jail could he return to the community. Not only no, but h**l no. There are still people today who would love to take him to a dark alley.

    The reason I’m stating this is because we are getting more and more “Doms” who are not abiding by the rules. They are basically abusing individuals for their own enjoyment and are breaking their toys. And for others in the community they are taking a “no stance” approach to it and are losing the respect of others in the community. You as a Dom and thus a de facto leader, cannot not take a stance. Riding the fence is the same as siding with the problem. In order to keep our community’s integrity, we have to call out these people and hold them responsible. If we don’t the whole community suffers.

    All of the rules in this article are about caring for your submissive. Kink play is all about the caring between the individuals who are playing. The sub caring that the Dom is satisfied, the Dom caring that the sub is satisfied. It’s all about satisfaction between individuals. And to achieve that satisfaction, both individuals must be protected and not harmed, mentally or physically (outside the scope of the play). Because satisfaction of your deepest primal desires is what we are about.  

   These are just some of the rules (protocols) for the Doms. There are many others, but too many to list here. l


28-Feb-18 14

Marcia McCoy, Ph.D.

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